Essay Question: bad life lessons from 2009 movies

OFCS members ponder the question:

“What’s the worst life-lesson a movie of 2009 taught us?”

Answers after the jump.

Mark Dujsik, Mark Reviews Movies:

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell “taught” us that you can be the biggest, most obnoxious, and misogynistic a-hole in the world, as long as you know and admit that you are the biggest, most obnoxious, and misogynistic a-hole in the world. Also, that interrupting your friend’s wedding reception to apologize for being a narcissist is not narcissistic in the slightest.

Rob Gonsalves,

The Lovely Bones taught us that it’s okay if girls get raped and murdered as long as they wind up in a big, glossy CGI heaven. What an awful film.

Mike McGranaghan, Aisle Seat:

Bride Wars “taught” us that women are borderline psychopaths who can be easily pushed right over the edge by the most miniscule of wedding details gone wrong. Apparently, the ability to have a “perfect” wedding is the only thing that keeps women sane. Should something threaten that ability, a woman is likely to lose all sense of logic, rationality, and common sense. Honestly, it amazes me that any studio would make this misogynist movie and then actually have the gall to sell it to a female audience! Even more shocking is the idea that any woman would actually deem it “cute.”

David Cornelius,

Star Trek taught me that Future Me will always be hiding in an icy cave nearby, waiting to help my friends. Because Future Me is handy like that.

MaryAnn Johanson,

Miss March “taught” us that when your high-school sweetheart ends up as a Playboy centerfold, you should hunt her down and this will win her back.

Brian Holcomb, Kinetofilm:

The Girlfriend Experience taught us that when you are in a serious relationship with a prostitute anything is possible — including the probability that she will sleep with other men for money.

Anton Bitel, Channel 4 Film:

Here are two:

1) When confronted by a gigantic, aggressive robot, it is best to go for its big brass balls. (Transformers 2)

2) Are you an impoverished, disenfranchised, exploited, downtrodden and lovelorn Muslim living in India? An aspirational TV gameshow introduced from the West is the solution to all your problems. (Slumdog Millionaire)

Dave Johnson, DVD Verdict:

Transformers 2

Important Life Lesson: college blows

Evidence: So you’re Sam Witwicky, a goofy 18 year-old who endured a high-school career solidly positioned on the lower layer of the social strata. Then along comes some giant alien robots with laser guns on their arms that can transform into cars and suddenly things look a whole lot rosier: the hottest girl in school falls in love with you, your best friend alternates between a ten-foot-tall robot and a brand-new Camaro, tough Army guys make you an honorary special ops solider and you’ve traded in that douchebag that embarrassed you at the outdoor picnic with Optimus motherf—— Prime.

When it’s time to seek out a post-secondary degree should you A) take some online courses so you can stay home and hang out with your gorgeous girlfriend and your entourage of interstellar ass-kickers or B) go to college and return to the bottom of the socio-totem pole while also getting humiliated by your deranged, pot-addled parents?

We all know what happens in the film and the results are Mudflap and Skids.

A.J. Hakari, Blogcritics:

All About Steve taught us that insane women should not only be cherished but also encouraged.

Margot Harrison, Seven Days:

The Ugly Truth “taught” us that if a woman wants a boyfriend, she should dress like a resident of the Playboy mansion even when she’s just at home watching TV. I don’t know how to square this advice with (500) Days of Summer, which taught us that the way to a hipster boy’s heart is to dress retro and sing along to the Smiths song playing on his iPod.

Rich Cline, Shadows on the Wall:

Law Abiding Citizen taught us that the only way to achieve true justice is to indulge in a bit of vicious torture and painful murder. Even if you’re a respected lawyer.

William Goss, Cinematical:

There may or may not be a Heaven for humans, but there appears to be a Heaven for giant alien robots. (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen)

Bullets can cause amnesia. (X-Men Origins: Wolverine)

Gaudy red boots can make your toes feel like ten friends on a camping trip. (All About Steve)

When the world ends, be sure to follow the obnoxious rich Russians. (2012)

Ice sinks. (G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra)

Eric D. Snider,

Confessions of a Shopaholic reminded us that while uncontrolled personal spending can lead to crippling debt and cause financial and emotional ruin, in the end you don’t need to worry about it because buying expensive things is fun and cute, and because somehow everything will work out for the best.

Kim Voynar, Movie City News:

From the Nic Cage atrocity Knowing:

That in the event of the end of the world as we know it, alien beings with the power to save us will instead sort of tell us about by sending cryptic numeric code to a mentally disturbed child to be shoved into a school time capsule until it ends up in the hands of a mentally disturbed Nic Cage vis-a-vis his son. And at the end of all that? It will all have been about the aliens relocating the children (and bunnies, don’t forget the bunnies!) to a distant world with no adult supervision or assistance. So start planning now, folks. It’s the end of the world as Cage knows it, and it doesn’t look fine.

Robert Roten, Laramie Movie Scope:

Inglourious Basterds taught us that the right way to fight a war is to murder civilians, torture and murder prisoners of war and to mutilate the bodies of soldiers killed in war, and that war isn’t hell, it’s fun.

Christopher Null,

2012: Anyone can survive Armageddon if they have enough money.

Pablo Villaca, Cinema em Cena:

Stalking is an effective way of gaining the affection of your loved one. (17 Again, Management, New Moon, The
Messenger, The Time Traveler’s Wife

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